[ksridharprasad]

Joke: Water Skiing in Church
In Church there is a family that has recently been baptized. After a month of being new members the Bishop calls them in separately to see how they are doing. During an interview with the father, the bishop asks,

“"Will you give a talk next Sunday in Church?”"

The new convert replies, “"Sure, but what would you like me to give my talk on?”"

“"On anything you feel that would be beneficial to the congregation, like past experiences and such that have changed your life in a positive way.”"

[cards2015]

My parents told me that one day i will pay my bills
but i said to them that day is will not today

--- 17 Jul 2015, 03:29 ---

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."


--- 17 Jul 2015, 18:58 ---

joke numbuh 1:
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.

joke numbuh 2:
What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).
Telegram
Telephone
Tell a woman
Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.

joke numbuh 2:
If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

[vathsala]

A Teacher asked the students to tell the importance of the year 1809
Johny stood up and said Abraham Lincoln was born
Then the Teacher again asked the students to tell the importance of another year 1819
Then Johny again stood up and said Abraham lincoln was 10 years old

[ksridharprasad]

Ramu calls up The Radio Station

Ramu : Hello is this the Radio Station?

RJ : Yes sir! You are our first caller! Congratulations! Your name?

Ramu : Yeah I'm Ramu. Is this the morning show with Karan? Am I audible to the whole city?

RJ : Haan sir! The whole city can hear Yu!

Ramu : My sister is at home and she is listening to the radio. Can she hear my voice ?

RJ : Yeah! Obvious! Sir tell me what msg Yu wanna convey?

Ramu : Hey Padma if Yu can hear my voice, plz go switch on the pump!
I'm in the toilet in the room upstairs and there's no water here! I called your cell it's switched off! I had no other option

RJ : Wtf?

[krunox123]

Customer: “My youngest son was surfing the web last night and to my shock he was at a British comedy site.”

Tech Support: “Yes, what is the problem?”

Customer: “The ‘.uk’ at the end — doesn’t that stand for United Kingdom?”

Tech Support: “Yes.”

Customer: “Just great — I knew it! He’s in trouble now! He was there for almost a half hour! How much does AOL charge for long distance?”

Tech Support: “It does not work that way. You can surf anywhere without long distance charges.”

Customer: “No, I am sure AOL charges extra. It doesn’t make any sense that they wouldn’t. England is a long way away, they would lose millions not to.”

After trying to explain how the web worked, the customer refused to take my word and said she was going to call AOL. A while later she called back.

Customer: “Well, AOL said you were correct; no long distance charge for overseas web sites. I do have another question I thought of after I hung up with AOL.”

Tech Support: “Yes?”

Customer: “Do you think they charge extra for long distance email?”

Tech Support: “Trust me — they don’t.”

Customer: “Wonderful! My oldest son works in Sweden. He sends us email, but I was always afraid to reply because I didn’t know how much it would cost, so I just called him on the phone. This will save us lots of money! Still if AOL was smart they would charge for this service.”

[vathsala]

sony went to the police station to file a complaint

Sony: yesterday night some thieves have stolen all the things from my house except TV
Police Officer: How come they left behind your TV?
Sony : Because I was watching a programme

[ksridharprasad]

Joke: It's Nothing...

A mother and little boy are visiting the zoo. They pass by the elephant enclosure when suddenly the elephants walk out into the open. The little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
elephant
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, that's nothing." She quickly leads him away.

Some time later, the boy is taken to the zoo by his father, and as they pass the elephant enclosure the child points again and asks his dad: "What's that?'

His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"But mother said it was nothing!" said the boy.

The father smiles, draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

[mell678]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position.As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-Laws."

[tomford]

a man is at a football game in really bad seats ,when he spots a better empty seat on the first row beside a man

when he gets to the seat he asks the guy " is this seat taken?"

the guy starts to cry and says "it belonged to my dead wife... we use to go to all the games together".

the man apologizes for his loss and heads back to his crappy seat but turns around and says "hey buddy,that's a pretty good seat you couldn't find anyone to come with you to the game?"

and the man says "I could ....but they are all at my wife's funeral"

[ksridharprasad]

Joke: The Phone Call
A woman meets with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours.

Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.

The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: "Hello? Oh, hi...
I'm so glad that you called...
Really?
That's wonderful...
Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time...
Oh, that sounds terrific..womanLove you too.
OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was THAT?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[mitchven]

A plane was about to crash in Tacloban; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am President Aquino, the chosen one. The Philippines needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Mar Roxas, said, "I am the next president of the Philippines, so Filipinos don't want me to die." He took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, Dinky Soliman, said, "I'm the Secretary of DSWD, a lot of people depend on me." So she grabbed the parachute next to her and jumped. The fourth passenger, Mayor Duterte, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old Boy, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The Boy said, "That's okay, Mayor. There's a parachute left for you. President Aquino grabbed my SCHOOL BAG."

[chaytoledo]

i heard this joke from television.

A man said "Years ago, we were poor. My mom and I were only eating rice
sprinkled with salt for our meals. So when I got a job and received my first salary, I bought a sack of salt!"

hehe.

[ksridharprasad]

Joke: A Pirate's Tale...
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with thispirate hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poop!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I wasn't really used to the hook yet..."

[Tanawan]

Bob: "I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife."
Jim: "Great trade!"

[DnkH]

Teacher:-“Amden. Isn't one of your socks red while other one is blue?”

Amden:-“Strange, isn't it teacher? I have another pair like this in my home”

[TrudiTrudzz]

There was once a king who had captured 3 men. He told the men in order for them to be set free they had to go into the jungle and find 10 of whatever species of fruit they could find. The men searched tirelessly. 2 of the 3 men came back. The King told them that for them to be freed they had to now push the fruits up their asses without making any sound or any squirming or they would be killed. The first man had 10 oranges. When he got to the 5th orange he squealed and was afterwards put to death. The second man had 10 cherries. He now felt hopeful about being freed. However when he got to the 9th cherry, the man laughed and was then killed. Both men died and went to heaven. So the first man asked, "Why did you laugh? You would have been freed." The second man replied, "I couldn't help it when I saw the other guy coming with 10 watermelons!"

[ksridharprasad]

The conversation Before Marriage:

Girl : Darling!
Boy : Yes, At last. It was so hard to wait
Girl : Do you want me to leave?
Boy : No, Don't even think about it
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Of course! Over and Over.
Girl : Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy : No, why are you even asking?
Girl : Will you kiss me?
Boy : Every chance I get!
Girl : Will you hit me?
Boy : Are you crazy? I am not that kind of person!
Girl : Can I trust you?
Boy : Yes
Girl : Darling


The conversation After marriage
Simply read from bottom to top.

[Tanawan]

Q: What's the only difference between ass kissing and brownnosing?
A: Depth perception.

[ksridharprasad]

Joke: A Rabbi in the Confessional Booth

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

[Tanawan]

Q: What did the baby digital clock say to his mother?
A: "Look ma -- no hands!"