[Spontaneo]

My Wake-Up Call: How To Stop Being A People-Pleaser

Create a journal! Write down events that trigger your people-pleasing tendencies. Identify how you priortise other’s needs over your own. Look for patterns. Heck, write an article!

Create boundaries! You have been on autopilot. You have been the “yes” person for such a lengthy while that some relationships may get stronger and some relationships may fall apart once you create boundaries. Personally, there are people in my life that I have no choice in whether or not to be around the individuals. Do you have the same problem?

Remember that saying no is not selfish! Saying no is a form of self-care. Do the things that matter to you! You attract the right people in your life when you practice self-love.

Keep the lines of communication open! People cannot read your mind. Don’t keep all bottled up! Personally, most people that I know are in a “clique”.

You can focus on your own needs and desires when you stop catering to others. You cannot be everything to everyone. Just start by saying no. Personally, as-soon-as I earn money, there is a friend who wants my money!

People-pleasing arises from a fear of disapproval, rejection or confrontation. The pressure to please can lead to stress and anxiety. Personally, there is an acquaintance that I dislike confrontation with. This acquaintance has called myself, for example, “too needy” and that I need to work on my “social skills” in public where she could be heard. Has such acquaintance ever known the meaning of “being polite” and/or “having manners”?

When you constantly put others’ needs first, people just might take advantage of your selflessness. My roommate has a pet cat that takes advantage of myself when my roommate is at work. The pet cat decides to lounge on my futon and on my desk chair when I am attempting to work on cookbook reviews and articles. My roommate calls myself her cat’s “nanny” and “auntie”. The pet cat has 4-inch fangs and knows how to use his fangs so I cannot touch the pet cat.

Are you holding in your feelings because you are afraid of upsetting or disappointing others?

I, personally, have been pre-occupied with worrying about others think as have written in this article. So, I guess this article can be like a sort-of “journal”. Yesterday, I realized that I really do need to just say “no”.

Thank you.

[eldavis]

I have also learnt the hard way that you can't actually please anyone. There will always be those who find faults in what you do.

[Spontaneo]

I have also learnt the hard way that you can't actually please anyone. There will always be those who find faults in what you do.

Exactly. The way I feel? I can never do anything right.

[OldGuy]

Such an astonishing difference in attitude. Although I make no effort to please people I know just to make points in any relationship, my greatest pleasure in life has always been opportunities to perform what I like to call "Angel Duty" for complete strangers.

I have had hundreds of opportunities to just happening to show up when I observe someone having some emergency and I get a chance to stop and render aid as needed. It is mostly just because I pay attention, and rather than walking on by, I enjoy doing what I can to stop and help them get through their emergency. In some cases, it is only a few minutes, in others it might take half the day. Some have been life saving events. I love helping and then vanishing as fast as I can, leaving them wondering where that came from. I rarely even tell them my name and never accept any payment.

Nothing else gets me higher than a kite in sheer bliss. No booze, no drugs, no artificial stimulation matches the joy I get from performing angel duty. I look for chances all the time to be a people pleaser in my daily activity. It has always been for selfish reasons because I really enjoy that high from such service to others. I view it as a reason to be alive. There is nothing artificial about it.

[Angie10]

I have never been a people pleaser. I'm not self-centred, but I refuse to apologise for the choices I make. In life, if you're not careful, you'll find people taking and taking from you and never actually reciprocating. As long as you know in your heart of hearts that you're a decent person, enjoy your life and tune out all the noise because you can never please all of the people all of the time. 'Do you' and those who matter will stick around is my motto.

[Spontaneo]

I have never been a people pleaser. I'm not self-centred, but I refuse to apologise for the choices I make. In life, if you're not careful, you'll find people taking and taking from you and never actually reciprocating. As long as you know in your heart of hearts that you're a decent person, enjoy your life and tune out all the noise because you can never please all of the people all of the time. 'Do you' and those who matter will stick around is my motto.

What do you mean by "do you"? I am a little confused.

[sweerie_banana]

I learned the hard way to stop being a people please. Everyone failed me, I actually prefer being by myself.

[Spontaneo]

I learned the hard way to stop being a people please. Everyone failed me, I actually prefer being by myself.

If you ever need a friend or get lonely, PM myself. OK?

[ptrikha21]

I agree with you.
In the past, I often used to take decisions to please/gratify friends.
My self excuses were friendship, "morals", honesty etc.
Yet I did had a few bad experiences including loss of money, faith and even sleep.

Then I decided to go on a case-by-case basis.
I have a few tales to tell as well. Perhaps I shall share here some day.

-- 30 Mar 2025, 16:00 --

Such an astonishing difference in attitude. Although I make no effort to please people I know just to make points in any re...... it.

I think in many cases, you helped strangers or good people in desperate needs.
However, what Spontaneo is telling about is of Fair Weather Friends, relatives, sycophants and Greedy fellows who need to be dealt in an unpleasant way at times.
I had a common friend who came to stay uninvited in our rental place.
For one month, me and my friend took burden of his expenses.
Yet one fine day, I had to tell him to share at least 50% of his part.
50% because he had left his earlier job and was searching for a new job.
Still, we were not earning very highly so his expenses were burdening us as well.
So I think we have to look at the situation, context and person.

Of course, we might differ in our outlooks and perceptions.

[Spontaneo]

I agree with you.
In the past, I often used to take decisions to please/gratify friends.
My self excuses were friendship, "morals", honesty etc.
Yet I did had a few bad experiences including loss of money, faith and even sleep.

Then I decided to go on a case-by-case basis.
I have a few tales to tell as well. Perhaps I shall share here some day.

-- 30 Mar 2025, 16:00 --

Such an astonishing difference in attitude. Although I make no effort to please people I know just to make points in any re...... it.

I think in many cases, you helped strangers or good people in desperate needs.
However, what Spontaneo is telling about is of Fair Weather Friends, relatives, sycophants and Greedy fellows who need to be dealt in an unpleasant way at times.
I had a common friend who came to stay uninvited in our rental place.
For one month, me and my friend took burden of his expenses.
Yet one fine day, I had to tell him to share at least 50% of his part.
50% because he had left his earlier job and was searching for a new job.
Still, we were not earning very highly so his expenses were burdening us as well.
So I think we have to look at the situation, context and person.

Of course, we might differ in our outlooks and perceptions.

My loved ones have always loved myself. I can always be myself. (My mother has always disliked my hair and make-up application, but that is OK!)

[germainebull]

When you constantly put others’ needs first, people just might take advantage of your selflessness.

Putting the needs of others first can make you easily taken advantage of, and people may take advantage of this altruism no matter how you feel. That's why it's important to set boundaries and give yourself space to take care of yourself so you don't lose your power and dignity.